"My castle crumbled over night, I brought a knife to a gun fight"

I honestly don't know how to put into words my feelings and thoughts about this week. I feel like I've lived a year in a week. My lyrics this week don't make a whole lot of sense, but I struggle to think of any at all, and I thought of Taylor Swift. So "call it what you want." No one ever tells you how hard the end of your mission is. You're pretty much adjusted to being a missionary and see the blessings of the gospel and understand how to work hard and love the work, but this makes the rejection and frustration much worse. This week started and ended in tears (not to be dramatic) but for completely different reasons. Over the past few years, i've become more and more passionate. I see so many things around me that I wish I could change, and deal with so many rules and guidelines I just don't understand. Naturally, I ask a lot of questions. and those questions frustrate me because I feel like they aren't validated sometimes. Questions should be encouraged, but sometimes we can be made to feel that having questions just means we doubt and don't have faith. Every organization has its culture, and rather than go into detail, I'll just say I felt frustrated with that culture this week. When I finally, after a few days of wrestling with my inner thoughts, felt peace and refocused, we were faced with rejection and disappointment. It's hard when people you love and you feel like love and appreciate you back, turn out to get frustrated and not want anything to do with you anymore. We got a pretty brutal text and I've never felt heartbreak like that before in my entire life. Heartbreak because of my love for them and heartbreak because of my love for the gospel. Moment after moment this week I felt discouraged and wondered why I've even been doing all this in the first place. What's the point? Why do I have to work so hard on work that literally feels impossible? I've been doing this for so long yet I still wanted to give up. It's a strange feeling. However, I've learned a lot about life and myself though this week!!! I've determined that there is indeed a point to the frustration. Three experiences come to mind: 1. Shelina: We had an amazing lesson with Shelina and talked about how the Lord strengthens us in our burdens. Although we've been through such different things, I relate a lot to Shelina. She feels overwhelmed about the commandments and feels like there's a lot expected of her. I catch myself feeling that way all the time. But after a great lesson, we gave her a pass along card that said "how can I find lasting happiness" to mark the verses she could read on her own. She picked up the card, looked at it for a second and said "how can I find lasting happiness? Now that's a loaded question." She thought for a moment, and Sister Larson said "what do you think the answer is?" Shelina thought a bit more, smiled, and adorably said "being baptized and following Jesus." I gave her a heck yes and a high five. 2. Norman: You may remember Norman from a few months ago. His wife is a member of the church and he isn't, but over the past few months we've developed a great relationship and a lot of love for them. Slowly, Norman has been growing at his own pace. For the first time ever this week, we got to hear him pray. now this may not sound like much, but this is a huge deal! This is a guy who literally went most of his life never talking to God. We finished up our lesson, and his wife says to Norman, "ok I will say the prayer, but you have to finish it off by blessing the food." He fights back a little, but eventually agrees. She said a nice prayer, and turned to Norman to finish. He simply blessed the food and closed in the name of Jesus Christ, but a spirit I've never felt before filled the room. I felt full from my head to my toes of this indescribable joy. God got to hear from his son, Norman, that day, and nothings beats that. 3. James Remember our friend we read the Book of Mormon with who carries all his food to church in bags every week? After 6 years of reading the Book of Mormon with the missionaries, we finished it this week. After, he shared with us more about his life than ever before, he expressed his love for his wife, and how devastating it was to lose her. "She was my world" he said. But overtime, he was shown in his dreams that reading the Book of Mormon and going to church and making friends with us all has replaced the sorrow and darkness he felt with just a bit of light. My heart was bursting with love for him, and I think it was just a fraction of the love God has for him. I'm grateful God shared it with me. After a really hard week, these experiences made the frustration worth it and put everything into perspective for me. I realized these types of experiences are the real reason why I'm here. What matters is the one and ministering to and loving that one. That's what Jesus would care about, and thats what I want to focus on. It's easy to get caught up and frustrated in all the things that don't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. But Shelina put it perfectly: The way to lasting happiness is baptism and following Jesus. I can trust that anything I see as unfair, not right, or unjust will be made right through Jesus Christ. I know there is a church with the authority to baptize people and bind families together forever, and that is a church I want to be apart of despite the trial and frustration. The blessings outweigh the frustration, and in the end, I can give it all to God anyway. I know this was long and drawn out and from the depths of my soul, but it's what's on my mind. Thanks for letting me share. If you feel frustrated or burdened or weighed down, just know you aren't alone. There is someone who has felt just like you are feeling now. "Jesus specializes in the seemingly impossible. He came here to make the impossible possible, the irredeemable redeemable, to heal the unhealable, to right the unrightable, to promise the unpromisable. And He’s really good at it. In fact, He’s perfect at it" Here's to another week. Don't forget that Jesus loves you, Sister Wallace Pics: 1. Finished the Book of Mormon with James 2-4. Various selfies 5. The Rio Grande 6. This weird clown outside a trailer we always stop by